(Edgar R. "Frosty" Potter)


Family Man

Has 'nough offspring to start a school.

From the number of his offspring he musta' been right busy.

He had so many kids he had to buy a wagon.

His kids were as plentiful as ticks in a wet spring.




Scarce

As scarce as bird dung in a cuckoo clock.

Empty as a church on a Saturday night.

Scares as hiccups at a prayer meetin'.

As scarce as upper teeth in a cow.

Scare as hen's teeth.




Quick

Like the first rattle out of the box.

Quicker’n an old maid can crawl under a bed.

They went a hoppin’ away like a bunch of tree frogs.

He didn’t last as long as a boiled shirt in a bear fight.




HAIR

He was havin' the cook gather his wool crop.

When he took off his hat, he looked like a full moon on the rise.

His head was a slick as a baby's bottom.

Them injuns tried to find out how I wave my hair.

Havin' his hairpins undone that was a shock to his idea of barber work.

For hair he was fixed like a sausage.




Religion

Most of his religion was in his wife's name.

He was raised on prunes and proverbs.

A lot of folks would do more prayin' could they find a soft spot for their knees.

Listenin' to psalms an' exhortations on sin wasn't his bowl of soup.

Had no use for some double-dyed hypocrite a getting' down
on his prayer-bones an' taffyn' the Lord up.




Working

Sweatin' like a hog butcher in frost time.

He wouldn’t be caught on the blister end of no damn shovel.

Well, don't strain your milk a tryin'.

He finally drowned in his own sweat.




Hardup

He musta hard wintered by the looks of his outfit.

Boots so frazzled he couldn't scratch a match without burnin' his feet.

He don't own 'nough beef to hold a barbecue.

If the saddle creaks, it's not paid for.

He don't own 'nough clothes to pad a crutch.




Tired

He was runnin' down faster as a two-dollar watch.

As weary as a tomcat walkin' in mud.

Tongue hangin' out a foot an' forty inches.

Limp as a wornout fiddle string.

Head a hangin' like a pantin' tongue.

As limp as a neck-wrung rooster.

It now takes him all night to do what he used to do all night.




Grub

Dished up soup made out of dirty socks.

Meat so tough yuh had to sharpen yore knife to cut the gravy.

Chili so hot it had to be kept on ice.

Deceitful beans--those as talk behind yore back.

The coffee tasted like water scalded to death.

Coffee made out of water thick enough to plow.

I'll have my aigs dirty on both sides.

Had a taste in my mouth like I'd had supper with a coyote.




Surprised

Looked like somebody had shown him four aces an' a joker in a big pot.

As surprised as aslut dog with her first porcupine.

As unexpected as a fifth ace in a poker deck.

Unexpected asa rattler in a bed roll.

As unexpected as gunplay in a Bible class.




Tall

He carried his water high.

Built like a snake on stilts.

He was half again higher than a bull buffalo.

So tall he couldn't tell when his feet were cold.

Growed so fast his head pushed right up through his hair.

He sprung up like a spring toadstool.

He was a long as a wagon track.




Making Peace

We sat down to powwow.

He sent up a smoke signal.

We all had a get-together.

Smoked the peace pipe.




Greenhorn

So green we had to tie one leg up to give 'em a haircut.

As shy around women as a green bronc is of a new water trough.

So green he didn't savvy cow unless it was dished up in a stew.




Smell

Smelled worse than hell on house-cleaning day.

Smelled as strong as a sheepherder's socks.

He smelt stronger than a wolf den.

He shore was considerable whiffy on the lee side.




Hospitality

Slide off and cool yore saddle.

Get down cowboy, an' line yore flue with some thunder berries.

Climb off yore hoss an' eat a bean with us, stranger.

Hang yore hoss on the fence an' turn yore saddle out to graze.

Fall off that hoss an' come on in an' feed yore tapeworm.

Beans are bilin'--ankle in an' put yore feet under the table.

Howdy neighbor, lean yore hoss agin' a post an' come on in.




Sinner

Long been Flounderin' in the mire of sin.

St. Pete wouldn't accept him as a candidate for a pair of wings.

He shore wasn't pickin' any grapes in the Lord's vineyard.

He wanted to be up there where there is no end of harps an' free music.




Courting

He soon had her tied to the snortin' post.

Thet little feller is bow an' arrer can shore bugger up a cowboy.

Yuh can't hitch up a horse with a coyote.

After she caught him he was plumb lady-broke.

He did hisself some heavy courtin'.

She soon had him cinched to the last hole.




Frame of Mind

He felt like a broomtail in a cornfield.

He's so hen-pecked he moults twice a year.

Was as worried as a duck in a desert.

As uncomfortable as a camel in the Klondike.

About as refreshing as bein' burned at the stake.




Horses

He can turn on a biscuit an' never break the crust.

That bay of mine can cut a gopher from hi shole.

He could cut fly-specks from a can of pepper.

My hoss will stick to a calf like a burr on a sheep's tail.

Hoss acted like he was tryin' to chin the moon.

That roan could buck off a man's whiskers.

Hoss was shown' his belly like he was proud of it.




Gunfightng

He reached and fumbled, which was a fatal mistake.

The man who wears his holsters tied down don't do much talkin' with his mouth.

A bad time to have his gun stick.

The whine of a bullet is a hint in any man's language.

He was near enough to hell to smell smoke.

Reached in the air so high he grabbed goose feathers.

It's sometimes safer to pull yer freight than yore gun.

He was packin' 'nough hardware to give 'em kidney sores.

His finger had the trigger itch.

They let him down easy with their hats off.

He was the toughest man west of anyplace east.




Liquor

Likker strong enough to slip the bristles on a boar

This t'rantula juice'd draw blood-blisters on a rawhide boot

Strong enough to make a jackrabbit spit in a bobcat's eye

It's a wonder they can keep such stuff corked

Likker as will make yuh see double an' feel single

Yuh couldn't gargle that brand of hooch without annexin' a few queer animals




Women

There's only two things I'm afraid of, a decent woman an' bein' left afoot.

Hosses an' wimmin will shore make a man go whistlin', provided he's still young 'nough to pucker.

He ordered hisself a wife from a matrimonial agency same as he ordered his under-riggin's.

The photograph she sent didn't show up all the blemishes.

The only evidence of her husband's passin' was the black weeds she cultivated for a week or so.

She soon had him walkin' the fence.

Uses for a Cowpoke's Bandanna Face mask for homely fellers Table cloth on the trail Carry water to yore hoss Clean your sixshooter Tie up a sore hand or leg Write a note or letter on Start a fire with in a pinch Hogtie a critter with it Mask if holding up a bank Dish towel or dish rag Shine up yore boots For a screen on your shack window Wrap up a lunch